What is Shame?
I specialize in working with clients on shame and vulnerability. But often, I connect with people who don't know what that means in the context of therapy. The terms shame and vulnerability have loaded meaning to them and I want to clarify what they can mean in therapy.
Shame is defined as the feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Because shame is a Feeling, it is a universal experience. A feeling just like sadness, fear, anger, etc. If you have the capacity to feel emotion, then you have the capacity to feel shame. And shame is one of the most common feelings we can experience.
Shame can sound like: “If people knew this about me, they would judge me or hate me” or “I’m afraid people see me as too much or not enough” or “I can never reveal ___ because if I do, I don’t think anyone would understand.”
We (almost) all feel shame. I say ‘almost’ not counting those who struggle with empathy and emotion (most commonly known as “sociopaths” or “psychopaths”). But despite the rest of us experiencing this emotion, we don’t often talk about it. When we feel shame about something, we tend to bury it in dark corners, covering it in secrecy, and hope it gets forgotten.
And when we bury shame, it (unfortunately) tends to grow. If our shame grows big enough, it starts to impact us in several ways. Sometimes that looks like isolating from friends/family; snapping at others; avoiding interactions; struggling to connect in relationships, etc. We start to lean against our very nature of connection!
As a human species, we fear that which will shun and “other” us. We are meant to bond together. We have learned evolutionarily that our best chance at survival is if we stick together as a species. It’s literally coded in our DNA. So if we biologically seek connection with each other, it makes sense that the feeling of shame exists to keep us from “falling out of line.” Biologically, shame exists as a feeling to keep us from behaviors that “stray too far from the pack.”
The problem is when we perceive that something’s going to disconnect us from others when it could possibly do the opposite. Let me give an example.
When I was a freshman in college (many years ago), I used to frequent the rec center for an evening workout. One time, I was in the stretching area and noticed a group of men whispering and looking in my direction. I tried to ignore them and kept stretching. I went home, and passing my dorm’s full length mirror, I noticed the big. ol’. period blood. stain. on the back of my shorts!!
When I tell this story to clients who can relate, they nod in understanding and sometimes laugh in compassion. A lot of us who experience menstruation can relate to having stained our clothes or furniture. It is so common! But for a long time, that memory brought me feelings of shame and embarrassment to recall it. This is because I’ve been socialized to believe, through society and family, that period blood is gross, shameful, and any aspects of it should remain hidden.
And maybe some people continue to believe that and will read my story thinking ewww. But there are others who will read it and think, “girllll, me too!” And it’s in those moments of relation, when we can look at others and say, “me too, I’ve been through something similar, or I know what that feels like” – that’s empathy & connection.
The antidote to shame is empathy. Shame cannot grow where empathy is freely given. And it takes courage and vulnerability from us to speak on shameful experiences to people who might respond with empathy and understanding. Working with a therapist who prioritizes creating safety and empathy in the room to process shameful experiences can be an excellent place to start.
And we can experience shame about a myriad of topics. Our bodies, our mental health, relationships, sex, religion, money, family, being a parent, addiction, culture, gender, etc. There is a lot that we can feel shame about and it’s important to recognize what those shame activators are; where they come from; how they show up in our bodies, and what we do with them. My job as a therapist is to walk my clients through that processing.
One thing to note: I’m not advocating for everyone to go out there and speak to any random person about their deepest shame stories. Please don’t do that. There are many complex levels to this issue including systemic oppression, stereotypes, racism, homophobia, generational trauma, etc. that make processing shame unique to the individual. This process is tailored to the client as part of the therapeutic process.
I hope this sheds some light on shame as an issue to process in therapy and what it can look like. If you’re curious to do any of this work with our practice, contact us at hello@belongingcounselingtx.com.
