I fucked up.

I recently fucked up. 

I had a virtual consult with a potential client a couple of weeks ago to see if we were a good fit. This potential client discussed issues they’re struggling with and I verbalized ways I can help. But at some point, I made an error of judgment. That meeting has brought up feelings of guilt and shame. Guilt that I hurt this person and contributed to their hurt and harm from the medical community and shame that I’m not a “good enough therapist.”

This client brought up an issue they were struggling with and I spent (what looking back now feels like) an eternity discussing a different approach I’d take (as their potential therapist) than the one they’d historically taken. I talked about how the approach they’d been taking is based on outdated research and can be causing more harm. I gave what in the moment I believed was psychoeducation but was also invalidating their efforts.

My approach to give psychoeducation in the moment was poorly chosen and it led to this person feeling invalidated and their efforts minimized. My choice of words were not the best and I was definitely not reading the room correctly. I’m being purposely vague and not giving much more detail to protect this person’s privacy but, trust me, I fucked up. I hadn’t realized that what I’d said was not only unhelpful but also hurtful until they began tearing up. And it makes sense. I had totally missed the mark and didn’t realize until it was too late. 

I do not write this in hopes of being absolved from the hurt I caused. I write this because I’m in shame and it helps when you can say to someone out loud, “I fucked up.” I’m human, I mess up, but as a licensed professional, my mistakes can have an impact so I have to remind myself to continue growing and learning and improving—for my own fulfillment and for the safety and connection I want to create with my clients. I hope this also serves as a reminder that I’m not perfect. I make mistakes sometimes and I do my best to learn from it and do better. 

After they communicated to me how dismissive my comments were, I apologized profusely. I paused to recognize where I’d gone wrong, and I acknowledged the hurt I caused. And after that meeting was finished, I reflected some more—my feelings, my thoughts, and my behavior. While it is not the client’s responsibility to deal with the therapist's emotions (that’s our job!), it is up to the therapist to be reflective and process our own emotions to be as helpful as we can be in the room. So I reflected.

I hope a glimpse into this reflection can serve as a reminder that while I try to do right by clients, I can still fuck up. I hope other therapists who may be reading this can say, “I relate.” And I hope my clients know or can come to see the commitment I hold to continue learning, growing, and understanding.