Why Going 50/50 In Your Relationship is Not Sustainable

When I say 50/50 in your relationship, I don’t just mean splitting the bill at The Cheesecake Factory (although, maybe that too). One thing most modern couples have in common: desiring equality within their relationship. Equality which is defined here as “the state of being equal, especially in status, rights, and opportunities.” It makes sense in theory, so I fully understand the inclination to find as much “50/50” balance with your spouse as possible. 

Where couples attempt to find that 50/50 balance can vary anywhere from financial earnings, time spent with friends/family, household tasks, parenting duties, and even sex (and so much more). And while most couples do their best to stay at 50/50 between them, it has been my experience as a couples therapist that most couples are rarely ever at 50/50 at any given moment. 

But despite our best efforts, giving 50/50 in every scenario can be extremely difficult, albeit impossible. There simply is no way to expect the same amount of energy, effort, capability, and achievement from two people at any given time. 

Take this example (fictitious and not examples of actual clients): Ryan and Janie. Ryan makes 165K a year and grew up with an upper middle class family with the support of both of his parents. Janie makes 58K a year and grew up in a working class family with a single mom who could not afford to put her through college. Ryan and Janie both value equality and have a 3K mortgage amongst other bills and responsibilities. Would both Ryan and Janie be expected to pay 1.5K each towards the mortgage? 

Consider your answer. What makes you believe they should pay equally? What makes you believe they shouldn’t? And what if I mentioned that Ryan works 20 hours a week from home whereas Janie works 50 hours a week at a hospital. Should the household tasks be divided equally? Or do you believe Ryan should be expected to clean up more since he’s home more and working less? Should Janie be expected to clean up just as much despite working more hours but making less money? And who gets to rest how much? And what if one of them had an illness they’ve struggled with their whole life? Or if the other had a parent who had a disability and needed lots of care and attention? 

As you can tell, the 50/50 split can get very complicated, very fast. And I don’t have right or wrong answers here. These questions are meant for you to reflect on what you might believe around equality in relationships made up of complex people–as every relationship is. Ryan and Janie may indeed be doing their best to communicate with each other. But if they continued to expect 50/50 out of each other, by the time they showed up in the therapy space, they might have resentments about their agreements to finances, work, household, socializing, etc. 

Why 50/50 is Not a Sustainable Option in Your Relationship

Going 50/50 is not sustainable simply because people are complex with different needs and abilities that are ever evolving. To expect your relationship to be 50/50 in any scenario may work out sometimes, but it also may not. And if it is working right now–what is it costing you? 

Keep in mind, sometimes we don’t even have 50 within us to make a complete 100. For example, after becoming parents, my spouse and I fluctuated somewhere between 1 and 15 feeling completely sleep deprived and in survival mode. Sometimes we could only come together to make 20. And that’s okay, having less than 100 is going to happen. The key is to figure out how to remain supportive and kind to one another when you’re both existing with less than ideal to give. 

But expecting 50/50 out of your relationship all of the time can lead to feelings of resentment, anger, and disappointment. I see this often in the therapy room. So, how can you and your partner work through negotiating and compromising to find balance?

If Not 50/50, Then What Do We Do? 

There are three key skills necessary to overcome these issues: reframing, communication, and flexibility.

🪞1.) Reframing is simply looking at a situation from a different perspective. The reframe in this situation is to replace equality with equity as the intention in the relationship. Equity is different from equality. Equality = same treatment every time; whereas equity = dealing fairly with consideration to the situation. This reframe is very important because if you aim for equity, you are taking each situation and giving consideration. Each partner and their individual abilities, energy, and capacity is considered. 

💬2.) Communication is always necessary, but especially when it comes to creating equity within your relationship. Because our needs and environments are constantly evolving, you may need continuous communication about what each of you can contribute. 

🤸‍♀️3.) Flexibility here is defined as the ability to adapt, negotiate, and respond positively to the evolving needs of oneself and one's partner. Being flexible when we can’t give our full 100% and instead remaining kind to one another is a key difference between relationships that last and ones that don’t. 

In the end, if we were to take the sum of all the efforts we make in our relationship throughout our lifetime, we hope they may sum up as close to 50/50 as possible. We hope that as we age we can look back and say “overall, my partner and I BOTH did our best to put in what we could with what we had.” This is the goal. This is the big picture that sometimes we lose track of when we zoom in on our day-to-day and expect 50/50 out of any given moment. But our relationships are made up of millions of moments, and it’s important we don’t lose sight of being empathetic, flexible, and supportive with one another in the smallest of moments.

How do you find equity in your relationship? What skills do you use to make it happen?