Authenticity Policing

When we struggle with shame, we fear that we will be exposed. Exposed for being frauds, fake, and not good enough. Afraid that our co-workers will see we’re not actually competent enough for this job. Afraid that the folx at this party will see we’re not fashionable enough to belong here. Afraid that the other parents at this restaurant will think we’re bad parents.

We build feelings of fear and paranoia that we will be found out and shunned for not being enough. So we police ourselves to ensure we’re “putting out the right kind of message.” 

Is the sentence I just said putting out the right kind of message? Is this outfit putting out the right message? Is my way of walking down the hallway putting out the right message? Is my voice in front of all these people putting out the right message? 

And some of us are so used to policing ourselves, we start to police others as well. This is authenticity policing. We intensely monitor other people’s behavior, questioning their authenticity, and seeing if we can catch what we “know” is a glimpse of the wizard behind the curtain. Because they can’t be really real right now–right? This is an act, right? Like me, right? 

 I found myself thinking this one day while watching a TED talk. The presenter was a young woman giving a speech with confidence, and I found myself thinking, “Wow, she must really be faking that confidence right now.” And for a few minutes, I watched her every wave, every step across the stage, every inflection of her voice–trying to find proof of the acting and faking. I wasn’t even listening to the lesson. And after a while, I paused to think, man, I’m really projecting right now. 

I recognized in that moment that I was projecting my fears of public speaking, shame, and fear of incompetence on this woman. I was assuming that she was not showing up authentically and instead faking it because that’s how I would react in her shoes. I was assuming, projecting, and authenticity policing. Because who’s to say she wasn’t showing up as her authentic self–other than her? 

Authenticity policing is a reaction to our feelings of shame. They are judgements and accusations of other people with no real basis. Authenticity policing is assuming other people's thoughts, behaviors, and feelings aren’t genuine because that’s not how WE would think/do/say in that scenario (whether we are consciously aware of this or not). And if the shame is deep enough, some may go as far as authenticity policing out loud and expressing judgements verbally. 

After some reflection, I realized I was envious of the presenter. How admirable to go up in front of a bunch of people and confidently speak on a topic you know well! And I recognized how challenged I would feel to show up as my authentic self in front on all those people if I were in her shoes. I had to go back and rewatch that TED Talk because anything she had said had unfortunately gone in one ear and out the other.

This experience reminded me of the way some of my clients–whom may also be focusing on issues around shame–described feeling guilty for thinking judgmentally about others when they themselves are imperfect. 

It’s something a lot of us who struggle with shame have in common. But we may not be aware we’re doing it. The problem with authenticity policing is that it drives us into disconnection with other people. Authenticity policing forces us to see other people as frauds and “only acting” and therefore undesirable to connect with. Why would I want to be friends with someone who isn’t genuine? And by policing authenticity and judging others, we push them away from getting close to us. And we miss out on potential relationships with other people. 

By recognizing we’re authenticity policing, we can challenge it, recognize where it comes from, and the ways it impacts us. By challenging our authenticity policing, we can allow others the freedom to show up in the ways they want to. And we open up to connection while staying in our authentic selves and allowing others the chance to meet us there too. 

And hopefully with time, our authenticity policing can instead become affirmations of qualities we admire and value in others and in ourselves.