One of the most uncomfortable topics to read about is the subject of my next book: infidelity. Infidelity is a big topic because it brings up a lot of feelings for many people, especially in the couples therapy space. Many clients I’ve worked with, in couples therapy or individual therapy, have experienced some sort of infidelity or betrayal in their lifetimes. And Esther Perel’s book on the subject of infidelity has become a staple in helping modern couples understand why infidelity happens and what it means for relationships moving forward.

Where does it hurt the most? What twisted the knife? The slight, the disloyalty, the abandonment, the breach of trust, the lies, the humiliation? Is it loss or rejection? Is it disillusion or shame? Is it relief, resignation, or indignation? What is the particular feeling or constellation of feelings around which you circle?

— Esther Perel, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

A Cynical Feel on Monogamous Relationships

I’ll be honest: the start of this book felt like a real bummer to me. Perel shares statistics and stories about infidelity in the modern world and how monogamous relationships expect so much out of their partners. She explains we expect our partners to be our best friends and great lovers and in a constant good mood and really good at conflict, etc. and stay that way throughout the marriage. And that big expectation in a capitalist, socially strained society is hard to live up to. I had to pause and notice what feelings I was experiencing and why. I realized it was a very frank (and somewhat true but also cynical in my humble opinion) view on modern relationships. Perel posits that because people expect too much out of relationships this leads to strain and eventually infidelity (amongst many other things). While the point is fair, it felt heavy to read. The cynical view on monogamous relationships was a little sharp, but it sets you up well for the hard conversation that is infidelity.

Technology and Infidelity

Another bit of this book that stood out to me is acknowledging the context in which we hold relationships. Modern relationships experience infidelity on a new level and I see it often in the couples therapy room. Many clients have struggled with the “is that considered cheating?” when discussing porn or chatting online with strangers or liking photos on Instagram (amongst other things). And it’s a modern issue that continues to evolve. I appreciate the important nuance to the conversation on infidelity because it’s divisive.

Main Takeaway

This book has a lot of anecdotes of people Perel has met or worked with who share their experiences with infidelity. Hearing all of those stories really makes you realize how complex and layered life can be and the thousands of reasons people cheat. But the main takeaway? Desire.

“Affairs are less about sex than about desire: the desire to feel desired, to feel special, to be seen and connected, to compel attention. All these carry an erotic frisson that makes us feel alive, renewed, recharged. It is more energy than act, more enchantment than intercourse.”

― Esther Perel, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

Despite all the reasons, Perel makes the point that what it really comes down to is desire. Many people cheat to feel desire and to desire others unfettered. There’s a sense of reinvigoration to our identity in this desire that makes infidelity enticing or intoxicating. And while that can be hard to read for those who have been cheated on, I’m sure it’s validating for those who have done the cheating.

But through this understanding (and many other steps and work), Perel postulates that it’s possible for couples to work through infidelity. It’ll require a dismantling of the current relationship and the establishment of a brand new one–difficult, but possible.

I won’t tell all so you can form your own opinion on the book! In summary, I think this book is a great read for anyone who either has or wants a committed relationships in their life. It can be especially helpful to those who have experienced infidelity but even better if there has been space and time since that infidelity. But I would not recommend this book (personally) to anyone who has recently experienced infidelity. This book gives a lot of information and a sharp perspective that while helpful can also be very activating if the wound is fresh.

If you’ve read the book, I’d love to hear what you thought of it! Let us know in the comments below.

Therapy Book Club: The State of Affairs