Shedding Shame in Watching Porn
Porn is a very divisive topic that can elicit a lot of emotion and opinion in people. But it is my stance as a counselor and sex therapist that porn, with the right elements (more on that in a bit), can be a fun and hot way to add spice to the bedroom. Whether folx are engaging in partnered sex or having solo sessions, porn can be the medium that adds spark to our sexual experiences.
It’s no secret some folx struggle with the idea of watching porn or introducing porn to their sexual experiences. The act or idea of it may bring up feelings of shame, anger, fear, and disgust. And this is for a myriad of reasons that I cannot possibly list all on this post. There are deep, complex, social, political, religious, and gendered reasons that color our beliefs around porn.
If you are a person who knows very well you would not enjoy porn, that is okay and normal. I am in no way trying to convince you otherwise. But! If you are a person who is curious or has even enjoyed porn already but struggle with the feelings of shame associated, this post is for you (and that is also okay, and you are also normal!).
Shame + Porn
If you have been socialized to believe that porn is sinful, disgusting, and shameful, those feelings may continue to arise in conjunction with feelings of arousal. You may feel excited and aroused AND shameful when watching/thinking about porn. It’s possible that your feelings of arousal and shame are so intertwined that it feels like one cannot exist without the other. I’m here to reassure you that is it possible to unfuse those feelings.
Unfusing shame from your arousal when watching porn begins with the realization that you cannot rid your feelings of shame. It is not possible to force yourself to stop feeling shame. Instead, the goal can be to become resilient to shame. It may take time and practice for you to be able to untangle shame from arousal and grow resilient to the feeling of shame for enjoying porn. This starts by recognizing that shame exists (in this case as related to porn) and understanding its triggers. What is it about porn that elicits these feelings of shame? What is it about this particular porn video I’m watching that makes me feel disgust /shame / “bad” / “sinful” or whatever other emotion/experience. And how does that show up in my body? What kind of impact does it have on me?
You are so normal for watching porn. You are so normal for wanting to watch porn! You are so normal for enjoying porn! We don’t hear that enough, so it’s important I say it. Another important facet of building shame resiliency is to normalize and empathize with an experience. In discussing porn, I want to normalize it and empathize with the feelings of guilt and shame we harbor around it. This is another way we build resiliency and learn to identify shame as separate from arousal.
The steps to building shame resiliency are much longer than I have time for in this post, but 1) recognizing shame and understanding its triggers and 2) empathizing with yourself for wanting to watch it are good starting points to building shame resiliency.
The Elements of “Ethical Porn”
One very important facet to consider in the consumption of porn is to acknowledge porn as a potential medium for exploitation. Part of the reason we may feel wary to watch porn are the doubts we have about consent, respect, and ethical standards on set. This is why “ethical porn” has grown in popularity and is slowly becoming the standard for many. Ethical porn may have different components to be considered as such. These components have been outlined in the article “Your Guide To Ethical Porn: What Makes It Different & Where To Find It” by Alex Shea:
The performers and filmmakers get paid fairly
It's usually not free (so people can be compensated fairly + the cost of creating a safe space)
It's made in a safe environment that treats performers with respect
It shows real sexual pleasure
It's created for all kinds of viewers
It shows diversity across body size, race, sexuality, age, and ability
Everything is created and shared consensually
Article: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/ethical-porn
Many sites abide by these guidelines for ethical porn and choosing to consume this type of porn may assure audiences of what they may not be sure of with other videos. Ensuring we consume ethical porn can increase safety for the performers in the industry (from potential exploitation, abuse, and trafficking) and for us as consumers (to shed shame in the potential to contribute to those systems). There are many ways we can begin to shed shame as related to porn, but if we can shift our porn consumption to ethical porn, we can:
1) increase safety for performers in the industry from exploitation, abuse, and trafficking
2) begin to shed shame as consumers for contributing to these harmful systems
3) normalize our sexual experiences by seeing content created tailored to us (all kinds of viewers)
These concepts are different from kinky content in which performers consensually partake in BDSM. Again, if we can be sure that these guidelines are followed, there is security in knowing the content you are consuming is done with consent + respect + equity–even if the kinky sex doesn’t look that way. 😉
There are so many other important facets of porn and shame that I did not cover here (kink, familial/social expectations, religious upbringing, relationship dynamics, etc.). Rest assured, you will see blog posts in the future discussing other facets of this topic. I hope it’s helpful in normalizing your sexuality, what you find arousing, shedding any shame, and letting your freak flag fly!
Examples of ethical porn sites (also known as free trade porn or feminist porn):
Warning! Clicking these links will direct you to ethical porn sites. Enjoy with caution!
Other helpful links / articles:
