One of the biggest reasons I’ve seen people starting therapy is lack of support. And most already recognize how important it is to have that support in community—through friends, family, co-workers, classmates, neighbors, etc. Most of us can see the value of community but struggle to build it. 

Here are 7 common reasons I hear folx struggling to build community and what we can do to combat these issues: 

1. You don’t know where to start.

You have the motivation but no idea how and where to start. There are different approaches depending on the kind of community you’d like to build. Parents may find it easier to build community connecting through their children’s schools. People who need support in sobriety may find other folx in recovery meetings. Starting with the environment can be a simple but effective approach.

Approach: Focus on building a familiar environment first. Put yourself in environments in which people with similar interests may be present (like coffee shops, libraries, concerts, arcades, sobriety meetings, museums, etc.). Reach out & connect with those doing the same! 

2. Making friends as an adult is hard.

I hear this often from folx who graduated from high school or college and transitioned into the workforce. I also hear this from people who have just moved into a new city/town or are new parents looking to meet other parents. In the context of school or cities we’ve lived in all our lives, it may be easier to connect. But when we start existing in new and unfamiliar environments, that starts to get harder. 

Approach: Recognize that your old ways of approaching community building may not work in this new setting and open yourself up to new approaches. 

3. Our culture does not encourage it. 

American culture is individualistic. And while we might come from a different culture & backgrounds, we still experience the American milieu. And compared to other countries and cultures, we do not make it easy to “rely on our village.” Additionally, the advancement of tech & our presence on social media can contribute to our feelings of isolation. Today’s tech has the ability to (ironically) both connect and disconnect us. 

Approach: Surround yourself with others who also value community. 

4. Anxiety is a barrier. 

Another barrier to building community is a struggle with anxiety. And while all people struggle with varying degrees of anxiety, clinical anxiety can hit us at debilitating levels. We may have a strong desire to go out and meet others but struggle to interact socially. Many folks have also reported increased anxiety levels since the beginning of the pandemic, which serves as more than just an individual issue but possibly an expansive one. 

Approach: Use coping strategies such as mindfulness practices & meditations. Consider therapy if you’d like support in coping with anxiety. 

5. It can be hard work. 

If there’s one thing I’m going to do as a therapist, it’s acknowledge the impact of capitalism on our health. Let’s be honest: after a full work day, garnering the energy to socialize can be a lot to ask for. We might have other responsibilities, limited time, chronic health issues, or other barriers that make it difficult to “get out there.” 

Approach: Recognize the impact of capitalism & other factors on our energy. Hold self-compassion for ourselves in our efforts as we are doing the best we can with what we have. 

6. You’re afraid to be vulnerable (to be seen).

This one can look like many different things. It can look like not signing up for that art class because we’re afraid our art (or we) would be judged. It can look like drinking too much at a social event because that’s how we “open up.” Putting ourselves out there and allowing ourselves to be seen is hard. After all, what if I put myself out there and no one likes me? What if I’m rejected? 

Approach: Recognize shame & fear of vulnerability as a feeling that stops us from connecting with others. 

7. No one can relate to me. No one understands me or what I’m going through. 

Sometimes, we become so entrenched in ourselves & our own problems that we stop believing others can relate. We start to believe we’re the only ones with these unique issues and allow ourselves to close off. And once we close off, it’s that much harder to connect with others over common problems. But when we can open ourselves up to the possibility that someone might relate to us, we can experience compassion for each other + ourselves. 

Approach: Research shows compassion as vital to our connections with each other. Practice compassion to be the kind of person others want to build community with.  

This is not an exhaustive list. What are some ways you might struggle with building community?