Money and sex are the top 2 subjects in couples therapy that brings up discomfort for clients, in my experience. Finances and money are such a vulnerable-making subjects, so it makes sense that it is a point of avoidance in many relationships. And yet, people come into couples therapy with the intention of improving their communication about finances despite the discomfort. 

Are Finances an Uncomfortable Subject in Your Relationship?

We may not notice we are uncomfortable talking about finances because “that’s just the way things have always been.” Because of our individual backgrounds, there may be many reasons why we feel uncomfortable talking about money (a post for another day). Unbeknownst, we fall into patterns of avoidance or miscommunication around money and struggle to take action until something unfortunate happens. 

Here are some signs finances are an uncomfortable subject in your relationship: 

• You’re unaware of each other’s values, beliefs, and history with and around money

• You avoid talks with your partner about spending, saving, budgeting, retirement, etc.

• Lack of communication with feelings and thoughts related to money

• Conflict around money happens but it feels repetitive

• There’s a vagueness or withholding of info about your financial situation from either you or your partner

• Your life dreams and short/long term goals around money are unclear and uncertain

• Making plans or choices around money feels uneasy and lacks confidence

• There’s unclear roles about who manages what and what financial tasks fall on each of you

Is Not Talking About Money and Finances so Bad? 

Consider these interesting statistics: 

• Nearly 1 in 3 couples say finances cause the most stress in relationships (followed by intimacy, children, and in-laws).

• More than a third of millennials in relationships fight about money at least once a week.

• Couples who disagree about money once a week or more were 30% more likely to get divorced compared to relationships that disagree about the topic at least once a month.

Statistics from financial literacy PBS show “Two Cents” 

This is not to doom any relationship that struggles to talk about money or finances. The point is that avoiding the conversation can lead to more conflict, stress, and disconnection with your partner and many research studies show proof of that. 

So how can we start talking more about finances or money in our relationship? 

✅ 1.) Acknowledge your Discomfort

It’s awkward, it’s uncomfortable, it’s anxiety-inducing. Maybe just for one of you or maybe for the both of you. But if we can acknowledge our discomfort, this leaves room for empathy and self-compassion–with ourselves and with our partner. Let’s create a culture of accepting our discomfort, together, and moving through it anyway. 

🚦 2.) Don’t Try to Solve Everything in One Conversation

Once you engage in conversation with your partner about money and finances, don’t expect to solve all issues in one sitting. Not only will this potentially overwhelm and stress both you and your partner, but it may turn you off to any future conversations because of “how overwhelming it got last time.” Money and finances are a perpetual issue for most relationships, so think of this as one of many moving forward. 

📆 3.) Normalize Frequent Conversations Around Money

Consider creating a relationship check-in (https://shorturl.at/0E9mD) and adding money/finances to the list of topics as a start. If we can normalize these conversations, then they can feel less daunting and stressful because they are expected and typical. 

🌱 4.) Consider Seeking a Couples Therapist

Sometimes, our feelings and thoughts around money are complex and layered. Due to trauma or upbringing, money or finances can feel extremely uncomfortable. If this is the case, consider starting couples therapy. Keep in mind that couples therapists are not financial advisors, so they cannot give financial advice. But couples therapists may help you and your partner confront feelings of discomfort and fear, increase communication, decrease avoidance patterns, and increase your confidence in engaging each other on the topic.

If you found this post to be helpful and would like to talk to a therapist about your relationship issues around money and finances, you can contact us here.