If you and your partner struggle with having the kind of sex you want to have, what would you attribute it to? When asked, most people say kids, not feeling good about their bodies, low libido, emotional issues, conflict, etc. And these are legitimate reasons that lead to “a dead bedroom.” But there’s an underlying reason many folx don’t notice impacting their sex lives.

Stress. 

You might be thinking–duh. Of course stress impacts our sexual desire. But not in the way you think. Most people would look at stress in two ways: big events and small events of stress. A big stressful event could be something like a worldwide pandemic. A small stressful event could be something like daily 5 o’clock traffic on the way home from work. And while both of these can impact sexual desire, chronic, everyday stress tends to have a greater impact on sexual intimacy in a relationship.

How does that make sense? 

It might seem confusing that small stressful events can have a bigger impact on relationship satisfaction and sex than bigger events. After all, we all remember the COVID pandemic? Toilet paper, sanitizing groceries, scrambling to buy masks, working from home without childcare, etc. That was stressful af.

However, research shows that when big stressful events happen (especially by external factors), most relationships turn towards each other for support and comfort. If anything, many relationships improve in emotional & sexual satisfaction. This is because we know these big, stressful situations are out of our control, and we turn to each other for support. 

But when we experience chronic, “everyday stress,” this may lead to higher rates of cortisol in our bodies, which can increase our fight or flight response and lower our sexual desire. 

Individuals under greater stress also tend to have bias towards negative info. Meaning, we tend to be more critical, less forgiving, and notice our partner’s negative behavior more. Imagine the last time you were consistently stressed from work. You come home, tired, ready to go pantless and crash on the couch–when you notice your partner left all the laundry on the couch. If it was a good day, we might overlook it–maybe even help with the laundry. But after a stressful few weeks at work coming home to that–now we’re spiraling about how messy and inconsiderate our partners can be. 

That ain’t sexy at all! 

So what do we do about it? If we all agree that stress is an unavoidable part of life, how can we improve our sex lives under such conditions?

1. 📌 Notice it! Sit down and reflect on any feelings of stress and frustration. Where do they come from? Is it one big overwhelming event? Or is it a series of smaller events that are chronic and “just a part of my day.” And talk about it in your relationship. What stress do we struggle with in our relationship? How does it show up between us and where does it come from?

   Remember: everyday stressors can have a bigger impact than major stressors–this is because when they’re bigger, we know it’s out of our control and we may unite, cope & support each other. But when they’re little stressors, we’re not aware and they impact us in ways we don’t always notice. But if we notice the smaller stressors, maybe we can do something about it. 

2. 📌 Practice managing your stress. Notice I said “practice.” Just like anything else, we have to practice if we want to be good at it. And managing stress can be difficult, especially if we struggle allowing ourselves space and self-compassion to rest. To be accepting and know we deserve rest. And what we to do manage it varies on an individual level. Some examples of practicing stress management can look like riding a bike, going for a walk, reading a book, painting, going out with friends, listening to a funny podcast, etc.

   We can also practice managing our rest on the relationship level. And because what people find relaxing is so subjective, it may take time to figure out how to do that. Some examples can be going on a walk together, cuddling, cooking a meal together, playing video games, trying a new yoga class, etc.
   

3. 📌 Learn new skills. Or hone down a familiar one. These skills can be learned as an individual or as a couple. Examples of these skills are improving communication, emotional management, conflict resolution, practicing emotional safety, healthy coping skills, etc. When we can implement these skills into our relationship, they add to the milieu of a supportive relationship.

There are so many types of stress with varying levels we each experience uniquely. It’s challenging to notice where it all adds up! Especially if we’re used to living with it for so long, and it can be even harder to implement changes thereafter. But I hope this is helpful in becoming more aware of the impact of chronic everyday stress on sexual intimacy.

Figuring out where our stress comes from, managing it, and speaking to someone who can empathize with our experiences is all a part of individual & relationship therapy. If you’re interested in services, contact us!