Every relationship, like a garden, must be tended to. Each part of the garden you co-create must be tended to, weeded, and watered — never abandoned, always checked-in on. This post will focus on helping you + your partner create more intention around your connections.

What is a Relationship Check-in?

A relationship check-in is an intentional time you + your partner take to check-in with each other over important things. This check-in is meant to be for more immediate, present issues compared to a “state of the union meeting” or a “check-UP,” which are meant to review more ‘big picture’ items of a relationship.

Creating a check-in can increase communication, intimacy, and flow in a relationship and decrease miscommunication and resentment. The things discussed during a relationship check-in can range from typical household stuff to returning to a conflict. The check-in can be especially helpful for people who have a lot going on throughout the week and find it hard to make the time to fill their partners in on everything happening. The check-ins may also bring up sensitive topics, so be sure to start off with setting groundrules. Below I detail the way you can create a relationship check-in with your partner that works for you.

How To Create a Relationship Check-In

🚦Set the Groundrules

You can call them boundaries, permissions, foundation—call it what you want! Start off the conversation by communicating about what you can do to show up as your best selves. This helps set up expectations to show up present and aware. But keep in mind that this check-in is tailored to you. If you are in a relationship that prefers to be flexible and not create “rules,” you are not required to. But I would encourage you to reflect on how you would personally and individually prefer to show up and communicate with your partner.

Examples:

• The check-in cannot be longer than 30 minutes

• No phones

• We agree to approach each other with kindness, caring, acceptance and understanding

• All partners agree to care for themselves prior to check-in so we can show up able to engage

• There must be food! No one shall be “hangry”

📆 Frequency

Discuss how often you need to check in with each other. Depending on how busy you are individually, you may consider to check-in as often as weekly. If you are a couple that connects more often, monthly to quarterly may be more helpful. There’s no right or wrong answer—remember, you can tailor the frequency of your meetings to your relationship’s needs.

✅ Content

Decide with your partner what topics will be a part of your check-in. This must be a collaborative process as the there may be some topics that are more relative than others for every couple. You can choose to have as many or as little topics, but keep in mind that the more you add—the longer the check-in may be.

Examples of topics (non exhaustive):

• Current mood

• Replaying missed connections

• Upcoming social events

• Vacation/trip planning

• Household management (planning + execution)

• Kids

• Conflicts that need airing out

• Holiday planning

• Spending/Finances/Budget

• Sex

• Romance/Intimacy

• Work

🪴Ritual

This part of the check-in is optional, but I encourage couples to create a ritual out of their check-in. You can do this by adding a bit of ceremony to your check-ins. This can be as easy as making the check-in a special date at a restaurant. Or the check-in can be done over a nice home cooked meal or drinks. Or simply lighting candles, incense, or wearing comfy clothes. Adding ritual to the check-in is simply about adding intention to the setting/environment and the experience.

Not everything discussed in a check-in will be comfortable and pleasant. Some of it may be uncomfortable and even anxiety-inducing—especially with conflict. And that’s okay, normal, and expected. Ritual can help you 1) create a routine around the check-in and 2) create positive associations with the check-ins so we don’t become avoidant and uncomfortable.

🤲🏼 Closing

At the close of your check-in, how would you like to close? I typically recommend physical connection such as an extended kiss or a hug. But this can also be tailored to you—a secret handshake, an activity you transition into—whatever works for you! But something to signify the end of the check-in can help us transition out of it (especially if it was an emotional one).

Once you’ve created your plan on your relationship check-in — all you have to do is start! Keep in mind that the check-in is meant to bring you into connection with your partner. Do a quick self-inventory if necessary prior to the start of a check-in to ensure you are showing up from a solid place. If we start a check-in already feeling annoyed and tense, that’s a recipe for a tense check-in. Consider a little self-care before you start so you may enter feeling grounded.

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