I’ve seen a few of these lists of questions to ask before having a baby, but rarely any written by a couples therapist. If you’re contemplating on growing your family by one, you’re not alone! Deciding to have a baby is a big decision and if you’re reading this–it’s clear you’re not taking that decision lightly. Whether you’re debating on whether having a baby is the right decision or if you’re decided and reflecting on what may come: this list was created to help couples process the big question of having a baby. Share it with your partner!

1. How will the baby be cared for after birth?

As babies require 24/7 care, explore who will be caring for baby and when. Especially if/when parents must return to work, how will baby be cared for? A nanny? Daycare? Family member? Other options?

2. How do you feel about daycare vs. nannying vs. staying at home with baby? 

This can be a divisive topic and many people have different opinions. Some people will also have no problem letting you know what their opinion is! But this is a decision that ultimately falls on parents to decide. It is also possible that you may be forced to choose another route than the one you had initially planned. If that is the case, how would you feel about alternative options?

3. How would we deal with the possibility of a birth/pregnancy complication? 

I’m not here to add any anxious feelings to the already-vulnerable-decision of moving forward with a pregnancy. There are a million “what ifs” we can sift through, and that is not the point of this question. It is true—there is no way of telling how your pregnancy/birth will go. But this question is more about how you deal with stressful, unplanned events as a couple. Do you communicate? Do you shut down? Are there any intentions we can make space for here?

4. What are our parental care benefits (if any)?

Find out your parental benefits from your insurance / workplace for each of you. I encourage you to research even if you think you know what your benefits are. You may be surprised at your options are. This can help you plan practically and build an image on what postpartum care will look like. 

5. How do we feel about the birthing process?

Discuss what your preferences are and how you feel about it— how: IVF process, vaginal birth, planned c-sections; where: hospital, birthing center, home; who: partner only, family members, best friends, etc.

6. How would you like me to support you throughout the pregnancy and birthing process?

This can include doctor’s appointments, symptom management, advocating for self (and baby) to medical professionals, and more. Discuss to what levels and ways you’d like the supporting partner to be there for birthing partner.

7. How do we prioritize our relationship outside of parental duties? 

Once baby arrives, attention may be on baby most of the time. Prioritizing checking in with each other on your thoughts, feelings, and general wellbeing can be a good way to be intentional on caring for each other. After all, one of the best things we can do for our children is model strong, communicative relationships.

8. What baby-related responsibilities will fall on who? 

From nightly feedings to diaper changes; baby baths and changing messy outfits; developmental milestones and feeding changes. There are plenty of things to do and learn with a baby. You may choose to divide these tasks, alternate, or do them together. There’s no right way to do it—discuss what may work best for y’all and be ready to be flexible in case responsibilities need to change.

9. What limits and liberties will we set with friends and family upon our baby’s birth? 

Family and friends may have their own opinions on what’s okay / not okay when it comes to babies. But this is your baby! And as the would-be parents of your baby, you get to decide what’s best on when to meet newborn baby, handwashing, kissing, care, feeding, etc. How do you each feel about what limits and boundaries need to be set with family/friends, if any? What liberties are ok?

10. What do we need to know about each other’s finances going forward?

You may have a certain level of communication and openness about finances in your relationship. But if that communication and openness is limited, it may cause more issues down the line when deciding who buys what when it comes to baby. This may be further complicated if your finances will be impacted after a baby. Be sure to discuss what your finances are now, what they may look like once baby is here, and if there are any changes needed.

11. How will we take care of household responsibilities?

If you currently live together, reflect on the ways you already divide household responsibilities. This doesn’t include just the execution of the household task but also the planning of it. For example, one partner might be tasked with going grocery shopping but who comes up with the grocery list? And who thinks of the meals that’ll be made that week to make the grocery list? And who thinks of keeping the memo pad stocked on the fridge in order to make the grocery list? (My age is showing—I know most people do it on their notes app now. 😉) The point is that there may be many things to consider when it comes to even one seemingly-simple household chore. Recognize how you divide those chores now and how they may change once baby arrives.

12. What are your beliefs around circumcision?

I do not encourage my clients one way or another. Research is highly divided in this area, and many professionals around you (including myself) will tell you that the decision is entirely yours as the parents. Do your research and, if necessary, consult with medical professionals. I typically recommend this video to people who are trying to decide: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ich3x5XphK4

13. How do you feel about vaccinations and access to baby through newborn stage?

After the recent COVID-19 pandemic, many parents experienced having a baby during a worldwide pandemic with no vaccine available for almost a year. This caused so much fear and brought up many conversations about vaccines. Babies especially are recommended to have multiple vaccinations throughout the first year of life. Additionally, your medical provider may recommend that you and others who will be near baby get certain updated vaccinations. Be sure to discuss vaccine accessibility, your comfort levels in asking others to become vaccinated, and social access to baby before the full rounds of vaccines.

14. How do we feel about breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding?

This is another issue that may be highly divisive amongst professionals, family, and friends. Keep in mind this is an area that can be changed and does not have to have a solid answer. But an idea on where you currently stand can help.

15. How will we deal with changes in our sex life? 

Evaluate what your sex life is currently like. Sometimes couples struggle with sex during pregnancy and postpartum over issues present even before a baby. But if you can begin communicating on current state of your sexual lives, it opens the door to continue communicating through life changes. Pregnancy hormones and postpartum body changes will impact your sex lives and in unforeseen ways. Begin building a culture of openness, empathy, and understanding when talking about sex.

16. How will we communicate when we’re in conflict? 

If you don’t already have one, create a way of approaching each other when you need to bring up something. Commit to approaching each other with understanding, empathy, and patience. This is easier said than done in the throes of early parenting when you may be sleep deprived, tired, hungry, and in need of a shower. Be ready to be very flexible with each other.

17. Do you have a preference on the sex of the baby? Why?

I encourage this question with my clients to explore what expectations they may have around the baby. It’s important to manage those expectations before we start a laundry list of expectations on the unborn! You may be surprised to find how much we start to expect out of babies and their gendered experience. Processing this may help us avoid grief and conflict in the future.

18. What fears or worries do you have around having a baby?

This can be related to any part of having a baby. You may need to take some time to reflect on this question and see what comes up. And remember, it’s okay to have complex feelings around this situation. You may feel excited/joy AND anxious/scared. That is completely possible and totally normal.

19. What are you excited for / looking forward to in having a baby? 

This can be related to any part of having a baby. Be present with those feelings.

20. How do you see our families being involved in the raising of our baby? 

There is no right or wrong answer here. This is truly up to you to decide what’s best for you, your partner, and your baby. Some folx prefer to have no contact with their families, some have limited contact, and some are fully involved. Discuss what may work best in your situation.

21. What gender roles did your parents have growing up with parenting and what roles would WE want to have as parents?

This is a conflict I see come up in couples therapy, and one I don’t see folks talking about often until after they become parents. There is no right or wrong here. There is only what you want to see happen in your own relationship. Remember to be flexible. What you imagine you want before and after a baby may change.

22. What will our “village” be like?

You may have heard the saying “it takes a village to raise a child.” Indeed, raising a child will take a lot of support from family, friends, and/or community. It’s important to discuss what your village will look like amongst your social network and whom you will be able to rely on for support. Your village may help provide anything from childcare, advice, emotional support, a cooked meal, resources and recommendations, etc. Any bit of support, as long as it’s welcomed, can help.

23. How will this baby change our lifestyle?

You may have a routine and certain lifestyle including your career, socializing with friends, hobbies, dates, time spent together, and other things. While it’s completely possible to continue experiencing these things, it’s probable they may look different than what you’re used to. Discuss what you’d like to prioritize; what you’re willing to be flexible with; and how you’d balance this in your relationship.

If this list has inspired you to come up with your own questions, write them down. Share them with your partner! Make it relevant to your life. This list is not meant to help you finalize any particular decisions–these matters are complex and layered and require continuous communication. But initiating these conversations with an air of openness, empathy, and understanding can help create more enlightenment on your decisions.  

I wish you the best on this journey no matter what direction y’all decide for you + your partner!